Roadhogs

Posted By on Jan 26, 2010 | 8 comments


I confess, I have a problem with idiotic drivers who don’t know the rules of the road! I’m no angel when it comes to obeying all the rules, like driving a few kilometres over the speed limit, or going through orange robots instead of stopping, so I can’t polish my halo just yet… But let me tell you a few of the encounters I’ve had! And I’ve had many…

I was driving to work one morning when an idiot decided he liked the view of Bullet’s (my car has a name ok?!) sexy behind. (Bullet is by no means faster than the speed of sound, especially when going up hills, but he’s able to maintain the speed limit at least.) So this idiot starts gesturing at me since I’m going slower than I apparently should be! And when he finally overtakes me, I make a note of his number plate. I arrived at work, and since my addiction to Twitter had just begun, I decided to post my encounter as a #roadhog tweet. I had never ‘named and shamed’ before so I was a little reluctant, but my irritation made me tweet. Unfortunately for me, @za5 thanked me for airing his bad driving for the whole of the twitterverse to see. Facepalm moment! Open-mouth-and-insert-shoe-store moment! After apologising profusely, saying he wasn’t that bad a driver and generally feeling like a bitch, he announced he was just pranking me!

My route home takes me past the circle by Morningside Clinic. And this circle is the bane of my existence! Apparently nobody knows how to read road-markings anymore. Each entrance to the circle has two lanes – one to turn left, and one to go straight or turn right. And these are clearly marked! I was driving home from work one day when I seriously popped my lid! This cow in an SUV decided she didn’t need to wait in the correct lane to go straight, and moved into the open lane. She ended up going straight when it was my turn so I manoeuvred my little Bullet, put my foot a little firmer on the accelerator and got in front of her. She was shouting and screaming like a banshee and driving up Bullet’s butt…Until she realised she was in the wrong and quickly backed up.

I taught a lesson to a taxi the other day, though I don’t think he learnt anything from what I was trying to teach… I was driving along Main Road in Kyalami the other day – a two lane road with a speed limit of 80km/hr. I looked in my rearview and noted a taxi hurtling towards me. Before I knew it he was enjoying the view of Bullet’s sexy behind. I don’t normally do things to aggravate drivers but this time I didn’t change lanes when he flashed his lights or gestured at me to speed up. I intentionally slowed down so I was driving exactly at the speed limit. The car next to me read my mind and did the same thing. And I really enjoyed the look of exasperation on his face when he realised he’d been boxed in and could go nowhere.

Another lesson I love to teach other drivers is how to use robots when they are all off. Now most of you will know that you use them like any normal stop street or 4-way stop, but for most of the drivers in Johannesburg it means “proceed at the speed you were driving and don’t stop”. There are two sets of robots that are out 99,9% of the time that I love to teach the ‘stopping technique’: 1) by the office park on Rivonia Road (between Summit and Alon Roads) that has robots at the entrance, 2) by the entrance to a complex on Witkoppen Road (between St Peters/the Porsche shop and Main Road). On many occasions I’ve stopped at these flashing-red robots and treated them like 3-way stops, only to have the drivers behind me cuss and gesture while instantaneously stopping all rude behaviour when it dawns on them that I am right! Oh how I love being right!

I can shout and gesture with the best of them when an idiot is in the wrong! And I will shout at you if you:
a) Don’t use your indicator to signal you’re turning into a road, or moving into my lane! Do you know where your indicator is situated or do you need me to show you?
b) Don’t say Thank You when I let you in front of me. Being polite is so simple, yet so rewarding, don’t make me show you the finger!
c) Don’t stop at a stop street properly so you can squeeze in front of me while making me slam on brakes. Did you take your driver’s test because if so, you would have failed for not stopping properly!
d) Don’t respect the ‘safe following distance’ I have to the car in front of me. This space is not for you to squeeze into!

I used to be one of those people that laughed when other people relayed stories of their rage against stupid drivers… Now I’m adding to their stories! And I’m sure you’ll agree that my stories are way more entertaining… 😉

Sobering thought:
I saw an article on News24 the other day stating the chances of being in a car accident in South Africa are 1 in 101! This is bloody frightening considering I drive with hundreds of cars every day! So drive safe! And try not to piss me off!

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*Picture credit
*Cartoon credit

8 Comments

  1. LOL! I once chased a dude in a white bakkie after he’d cut me off. It happened in Centurion, at the Botha Avenue exit and I followed him halfway to Jo’burg before he finally pulled over. I was heavily pregnant and extremely emotional at the time, so he really got an earful! Only dawned on me afterwards that that might not have been a bright idea…
    Luckily for me, he was really just some poor oblivious sod and had no idea why this pregnant chick was so pissed at him! So he just apologised while I shouted at him and then stomped off back to my car…

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    • Oh my goodness! Glad he was apologetic and no too defensive and aggro! I once had an aggro guy scare me… It was off-peak traffic and I was turning right into a road during a turning arrow. As I was turning a guy overtook me by going into oncoming traffic. I flashed my lights at him since he was being such an idiot and he braked immediately! All these thoughts went through my mind of him getting out of his car and coming to attack me etc etc! Luckily after he scared me breathless by his emergency stop, he drove off…

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  2. I am a huge fan of naming and shaming!
    I used to tweet them with the #roadhog hash tag regularly, and now I text message the registration and a brief description of what they have done to rager.co.za!!

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  3. I hate idiots who dont know how to drive/obey the traffic laws!
    My worst is when people pull out to the right when they are turning left… seriously?!?!?! Is a left turn that difficult? Maybe they need power steering!

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    • Oh My Gosh! I know! Apparently it’s trés difficult to turn left while driving a right-hand-drive car… 😉

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  4. I completely believed it was @za5 driving badly…. I am lying in bed reading your post and also slapped him! Then I carried on reading and had a good laugh.

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